When living in the same household as other family members, well, let's put it this way, conflicts are inevitable. Even the people we love dearly will occasionally annoy us. That's right. And we will annoy them, right? So I will assume I have a "yes" on this matter, and I will further assume that we wish our significant other or our family member would change their ways on some matters. We know they aren't perfect and neither are we. This is true for parenting as well.
So, how do we proceed? I would suggest the gardening metaphor works quite well. We can't get the plant to grow by yelling at it. Guilt won't get the plant to grow either. We have to nurture all around the plant and create an environment where the plant will grow naturally. We have to fertilize, weed, give it water, give it sunshine, and protect it from hungry animals and insects. The plant will grow if we are good to it. It's similar with people. Criticism, guilt, and yelling are toxic. Encouragement and positive approaches to problem-solving work best. Clear messages are good while solution-talk appears to work better than blaming and insulting. A therapist can often help us set the stage for better ways to happen than the ways that clearly did not work in the past. Let us know if we can help. Best wishes, Stephen Elliott, Ph.D., Family Therapist
Would you still work if you won the lottery? How about if everything was free? Be honest. My guess is that many of us would either not work or work a lot less. It's human nature. It's natural. Well, that's what it's like for a lot of youth today. They are just more than happy to receive everything for free. Not surprisingly, they aren't motivated to do their school work or their chores. Their video games, computers, movies, ipods, televisions, and cell phones are enough. It's all the fun they need and it's free!
Here's an option. It can turn out better if the young person is asked to earn their fun. Earning their privileges by doing their work, completing their responsibilities, treating people right, being respectful, and using good manners is a good place to begin. A privilege earning system can be customized for each child or young adult. If you need help in customizing or tweaking one for your unique situation, please give us a call. It's an area of helping that we are well versed in at Child & Family Development. Sincerely, Stephen Elliott, Ph.D., Child and Adolescent Psychologist
Some people feel like they don't need therapy or counseling, yet they may admit to being under severe stress. Some may feel alright with the idea pf receiving some "coaching". Historically, the term coaching is associated with learning a sport or some other talent-oriented activity. But we can get coaching on anything. We can get coaching on trying something different. A mother and/or father can receive coaching in the area of parenting. Coaching doesn't have the stigma that mental health therapy or counseling may have - at least for some people. The end result of either coaching or therapy may be to feel optimistic and encouraged to make a positive change. It may be feeling better after talking things over with someone outside the family who cares. As long as the connotation is positive, I personally don't mind thinking of myself as a coach, a therapist, or a counselor. All three sound good to me. What seems important is being a part of the process of setting goals and developing solution possibilities to make things better. Let's make that a part of the new year of 2011. Let us give and receive the encouragement that is needed for ourselves and our loved ones. Who cares what we call it! Best wishes, Stephen Elliott, Ph.D., Psychologist
Often, holidays bring some great times with our families. Positive memories will hopefully be created. At other times we are reminded of the repetitive and oftentimes predictable patterns of communication that occur in our families. "There it goes again" we might find ourselves thinking. These are normal and fine, and while sometimes destructive, they certainly are not a problem as long as the pattern doesn't require a family member to be in the problem role, or the "sick role", or to be in a dysfunctional position in relation to others.
Sometimes an individual will actually volunteer to be the "problem in the family". Another family member may be the "hero" or the "rescuer". Another may be the one who is always right or always good. While it takes courage to change one's own predictable role in the family, the good news is that it can be done if you think the family choreography needs to be shifted some. Changing stuck patterns is a great place to begin. Do something different, and study the result. This may be the place to begin. Working with a family therapist who is encouraging can also help. As the patterns of communication change, so do individual roles in the family. New energy is created. Changing the steps in the family choreography can even be fun. Let us know if we can help.
Best wishes, Stephen Elliott, Ph.D., Family Therapist
Here is an observation regarding the Empty Nest stage of life. The more involved and engaged one is as a parent, the more emotionally invested (a good thing), the more difficult the adjustment will be once the Empty Nest stage of life arrives. The most emotionally enthusiastic parents, the supermoms and superdads of the world, are likely to have the hardest time adjusting to not having children in the household. So what can be done to prepare for this stage of life?
One thing surely helps, and that is to plan ahead. Do what you can to transition gradually. For marriages or couples, start going on date nights if you haven't already been doing it. Get away for weekends without the children as often as possible. When you return, don't share everything with the kids. "That concerns the two of us" can be your standard response when questioned about the detail of your date night or weekend away. Draw some boundaries around the adult relationship subsystem. Allow the marriage to have a life of its own. For single parents, let the children see that you are filling up your life with meaningful activities so they will know you will be fine once they all leave home. Above all else, let it not be said that when the kids all leave home that you need to "get a life". Let them see clearly that you already have one that's working well for you. Best wishes. Stephen Elliott, Ph.D., Family Therapist, Child & Family Development
Video games and electronic devices can be used by parents to motivate their children to do well. Now that so many young people are centering their lives around video games, electronic devices and technology rather than developing athletic, artistic or musical talents, it seems more and more children and teens are acting as if they are addicted to their electronic devices. Developing true talents would be far better for them. The young person may come across like its far more important to play on the XBox 360 or the computer than to do their homework. Some parents solve the problem by putting the machines, videos and televisions away until the weekend, and then letting the child or adolescent play with only what they have earned as a reward for study, chores, good manners, and a positive attitude. Best wishes, Stephen S. Elliott, Ph.D., child and adolescent psychologist.
As a child and adolescent psychologist, I often speak with adolescents who tell me about their friendships as well as their relationship conflicts. Sometimes they report that relationships with girlfriends or boyfriends are not going so well. In some cases, they are actually fighting or insulting each other and it's causing a lot of pain for them. As we discuss these matters, I will sometimes ask them to tell me what qualities their ideal future spouse will possess. As we examine what they are looking for and then compare it to the qualities of their current girlfriend or boyfriend we find that there is a world of difference. The young person wants a person with characteristics A, B, and C, but in reality they go steady with a person who has the opposite of A, B, and C, and a lot of D, E, and F, qualities that are problematic for them. There is a huge disconnect between what they say they want in a partner and what they actually select.
Upon close examination of this divide or disconnect, the problem seems to be related to the early or premature onset of physical/emotional/sexual intimacy in these relationships. Once the young person becomes intimately involved with their new girlfriend or boyfriend, "attachment" seems to kick in and glue them together even though they are not really a good fit for each other in terms of the qualities each is looking for. Feelings rule the day rather than logic. The more rational factors of what they are looking for are put in the back seat. While the qualities they desire in a partner make good sense, they no longer are considered essential once intimacy kicks in. Feelings are allowed to dominate thinking. In my opinion, the physical intimacy should be delayed while the qualities desired are selected and are proven to be rock solid over the course of time. I would suggest that a rational stand be taken. The qualities desired are pretty wise ones so "stick to the story" of what you need. Let's not give emotions and hormones the final say. Let common sense and the test of time have the final word.
Best wishes. Stephen Elliott, Ph.D., N.C. Licensed Psychologist
Granted it takes talent to excel or "beat" a video game. And while it's true that some careers require joystick mastery, I still believe these games are best used by parents to reinforce and reward their children's discipline in the development of traditional talents as in the arts, music, and various sports. One young man had become so good at the video game "Guitar Hero", and played it so often, I remember telling him that if he had spent the same time learning to play a real guitar that he had spent on "Guitar Hero", he would have a talent developed that he could enjoy the rest of his life. He would be able to play a real guitar!
So, when your child has finished their homework, their chores, has engaged in practice time for traditional talent development, has made good choices during the day, and displayed good manners, that would be a great time to allow them to play a video game for thirty minutes to an hour as a reward for their hard work. More time than that puts them at risk for video game addiction. Best wishes, parents, as you attempt to handle the video game issue. Stephen S. Elliott, PhD, NC Licensed Psychologist at Child and Family Development in Charlotte.
With blended families of every configuration in our complex world, the step-parent and the biological parent are often confused about what role for the step-parent to take in relation to the step-children. Its a tough task to figure out. How does a person find a way to be both supportive and encouraging with all the players? Its not easy for sure.
One option among others is to bring to mind the image of a "Good Aunt" and a "Good Uncle". Sometimes it's possible to imagine this Good Aunt or a Good Uncle to be warm and friendly towards the children. They might avoid playing the heavy role in disciplinary matters. Imagine them being free to be encouraging and enthusiastic with the children. In the best of all worlds, they can be supportive of the biological parent backing them up with encouragement, affirmation and affection. It's an option worth considering, but it may not fit all situations. There are so many varied configurations that its unlikely for any one idea or model to fit each blended family situation.
Nevertheless, if a step-parent can find the fine line between encouragement, fun, humor, and supportiveness with the child(ren) as well as the biological parent, even if less than perfect, they are likely to be glad they did. Best wishes, Stephen Elliott, Ph.D., Psychologist
Resiliency is about personal empowerment. It's about regaining our strength and courage in spite of having gone through a tough life experience. We can know we have claimed our personal empowerment post-trauma when, after the adjustment period, we realize the event hasn't altered the trajectory of our life.
It is all about claiming or re-claiming the future our life would have had if the event/trauma had never occurred. The tough experience is not allowed to throw us off course. There is no doubt the experience was a difficult one, but in the end, the event loses. We win back our life and the pre-trauma pathway we were on. The tough time is not allowed to have a lasting effect.
In summary, resiliency is the internal process of limiting the power of the problem by putting a check on its ability to alter the path we were on prior to the disruption. Our personal empowerment refuses to grant the trauma any long-term damage. We stand up and take back our life right now. Wow! That's awesome. Best wishes, Stephen Elliott, Family Therapist, Child & Family Development
Are you a pursuer or a distancer? Consider your various meaningful relationships. Do you find yourself wanting more closeness and more sharing than the other party in the relationship? With certain people you may be the pursuer. With others you may be the distancer, the person wanting less closeness, less sharing, more autonomy, and more personal space. If you look at all your key relationships including (if applicable) your siblings, your significant other, and your closest friendships, you can fairly easily calculate where you fall on the spectrum from pursuer of emotional closeness to distancer and protector of individuality. Pursuers usually have fewer friends in terms of numbers, but the few they have may be quite deeply attached and possibly loyal. Pursuers don't usually like it when a distancer tells them they want more space. Pursuers are usually very affectionate in general. Distancers are more likely to have a larger number of friends, but they hardly want to be excessively or suffocatingly close to any one of them. Distancers, while sensitive to interpersonal boundary issues, may want affection from others, but only on their own terms. They do not want a relationship that is consistently about hugs and physical touch.
In their close relationships, pursuers wish the distancers would pursue them in a manner similar to how they have pursued the distancer. The distancers want to be given more respect for their individuality. Here are a few "rules of thumb": Distancers don't want anyone clinging to them or being dependent on them. After a conflict, pursuers need to never pursue a distancer. Rather, let them evolve and return to the relationship when ready. After a conflict, pursuers would love to feel that someone truly cared about their perspective. The pursuer would love to be reassured that everything is alright. Reassurance means a lot to them. Best wishes, Stephen S. Elliott, Ph.D., Psychologist
Anxiety is what we are feeling when we "what if" about our fears. We say "what if so and so happens?" Our chest tightens up. It feels like we can't breathe. We enter the fear zone and experience our "what if story" as if it was happening in real time. The imagined worse case, or at least, bad ending feels like it's coming down on us. In response to our fears and worries, we move hurriedly to "get ourselves busy". This way we won't have to think about our living nightmare so much. Our primary anxiety reduction technique is usually to just get busy. We attempt to distract our minds from the anxiety-inducing story. It works in part, but when we aren't busy, the story and the anxiety storm returns. Procrastination works as our secret friend. We can hide behind the long to-do list and never get "caught up". Maybe we can stretch out our busy-ness and avoid our anxiety.
An alternative approach is to get ourselves purposefully unbusy. Regarding our anxiety, we purposefully "bring it on". We allow our self to feel the anxiety. We stare in the face of our"what if" story and imagine the feared outcome. We feel the pain for a moment, but then we smile. Instead of saying to ourselves "isn't it awful", we flip it around and look for a way to view this as an excellent outcome so long as we can tweak the ending a bit. We allow ourselves to figure out a way where we will be better off, happier or stronger. If we freeze up on justifying our desire for the outcome, we can at least change the ending to the story to something interesting and in our interest. After all, it is "our story" to construct is it not? As authors of our own narratives, lets realize and accept that our stories simply don't have to end so negatively. As author, add a new wrinkle, a new twist, an unexpected positive result, a nice surprise. Let some good things come our way. Smile. Enter the anxiety, stare it down, change the nightmarish ending to a more pleasant one. Add a sense of humor, refuse to take ourselves so seriously. Realize we have options. Busy-ness may work temporarily, but it may not be the best solution. Best wishes, Stephen S. Elliott, Ph.D., Psychologist
Some parents are unbelievably giving and loving. They sacrifice their own self advancement and self-interests for their children in a way that can bring tears to your eyes. They love their children with their all. However, these same awesome loving parents are the most vulnerable to crashing when the "empty nest" stage arrives. When the last child leaves home, or just before they leave home, a vast amount of emptiness and worry can intrude onto the giver. This loving giving parent is being forced (by life itself) into early retirement. They are rarely ready for it. So, what can you do about it? If you are a super-giving parent, you must plan ahead. By the time your last child reaches 16 years of age, make sure you "have a life". Get real busy living your life to the fullest so you won't need to be over-focused on your child's life. You will be able to let go of your child without crashing. You will be loving your child in such a way as to let them fly the nest without a heavy heart. Your child does not need to feel as if they are abandoning their needy parent. Let yourself soar. Best wishes! Stephen Elliott, Ph.D., Psychologist, Child & Family Development
When it comes to motivational strategies, it really helps to know what makes a person tick. When I was in high school, my parents knew that my downstairs (private) bedroom was important to me. They knew I valued the privacy and quiet it offered me. They also knew that playing football was an activity that I highly valued. They didn't misuse their knowledge of what I felt attached to and believed I needed by frequently threatening my vulnerabilities, but they let me know in no uncertain terms that if I made a large-scale bad choice, my valued items and activities would be gone in an instant. I can hear them now, "Steve, if you ever sneak out of the house or do something in your downstairs bedroom that is terribly wrong, then that very night, your younger brother will be sleeping in your bedroom permanently and you will be moved back upstairs with us!". "Yes sir, yes ma'am", I said, and it worked like a charm! Best wishes, Stephen S. Elliott, Ph.D., Child & Adolescent Psychologist
When an adolescent has an ongoing chronic conflict with their parents, it's usually a two-way street. The parents are usually annoying the young person as well as the other way around. The parents usually have a good reason for doing what they are doing. For example, they may not trust their teen because the teen has done something to break the trust. Most of us have experienced similar vicious cycles in our own lives. The more we do x, the more the parents do y. The more the parents do y, the more we do x, etc. It's a game without end until it ends with an even bigger and painful blow-up. The parents want the teen to stop doing x and the teen wants the parents to stop doing y. The teen wants the parents to trust them again while the parents remain skeptical about the teen's trustworthiness given the actual history. Each party feels angry, irritated, and annoyed at the other. The dog is chasing his tail, but worse than that, the dog is eating his own tail.
How do we get out of this downward spiral? My suggestion is for each person to give the other party in the problem a gift that would make the other party feel that the pattern or cycle is broken. Do it as an act of kindness to yourself. The conflict that's going on now is bad for your health. Secondarily but very importantly, the adolescent can do it as an act of love for the parents. Remember they are motivated by their love for you. While they may be overly controlling, they are in all likelihood motivated by their caring for you. Give them what they want as a gift, free of charge. Forget about getting what you want in return as if you are bargaining at the flea market. Hopefully, you will come out all right in the end. Maybe they will give it to you as a gift when they are ready. But give your gift unconditionally. It will come back to you some day, you can rest assured, as long as you don't give your gift with the idea of getting one in return as your motive. Operate from the pure heart of giving a gift, the gift of love. Best wishes, Stephen Elliott, Ph.D., NC Licensed Psychologist
In a complex world, it's sometimes difficult to know what to do or not do. It boils down to a matter of making choices based on ones values, ethics and general understanding of what's right versus wrong. One day as I pondered what to do in a given situation, I serendipitously discovered that a good exercise for gaining an understanding about what to do for a given situation is to ask ourselves the following question: What would it be like if everyone (in the relevant group) did what I'm considering doing? Take for example a classroom. What would it be like if everyone in that classroom did exactly what I have been doing or am thinking about doing? In the business world, what would it be like if every business-person behaved exactly like I behave in business matters? What if everyone in the world, in my state, at my place of employment, or in my family smoked cigarettes all day long every day? If we imagine the world engaging in a given behavior, and then ask ourselves if it makes the world a better place or a worse place, we can usually figure out what to do for the given situation. Best Wishes, Stephen S. Elliott, Ph.D., Child and Adolescent Psychologist
If its true that half of all teens have bullied others within the last year as they admit in a new survey
http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1650858/20101026/story.jhtml , and nearly half admit to being victimized by a bully within the last year, then society has truly regressed. Has something sinister replaced loving our neighbor during the last 4 to 5 decades? In the sixties I am quite sure the bullies were considerably less than ten percent, but I can not quote a study on it. There were a few, but it was obvious as to who they were and it was obvious that the bullies didn't feel very good about themselves. They were the larger kids with bad attitudes. They seemed to enjoy being mean. Maybe there were one or two of them at the most in a given classroom at school.
Today they are suggesting a 50% bully rate. If accurate I would suggest this means something close to a contagious outbreak of self-esteem difficulties in our culture. What might be driving this trend? The answer is most likely complicated, and we can only speculate. It seems feasible that video-games might be replacing talent development during the after-school hours. This may be one of the variables contributing to the problem. Are video games interfering with today's youth becoming competent in sports, sciences or an art? If not engaged in a disciplined approach to talent development, a young person will not acquire one of the main ingredients that goes into the development of a solid self-esteem. Low self-esteem then contributes to and sets the stage for bullying. Hard work, not always seeking to have fun, may be critical for character development. Real games and real sports requiring intense exercise may be better for youth than being addicted to today's electronic fun boxes. In any case, self-esteem building and competency-development are very important to us as we work with youth at our clinic at Child & Family Development. Best wishes, Psychologist Stephen S. Elliott, Ph.D.
Anger and stubbornness can be a friend when it comes to resiliency. The problems we face can be quite bossy and try to dominate us. They may well want to bring us down, ruin our lives, or detour and destroy our positive dreams. This is where we draw the line and say "enough is enough!" Let's use depression as an example. Depression wants us to think negatively, feel unable, and most certainly never laugh. Depression wants us to not exercise, eat poorly, and withdraw socially. It would simply love it if we would feel completely powerless about nearly everything we otherwise view as important. If we go along passively with the demands of depression, we will be taken for a major ride into the land of destruction, anguish and suffering.
How we respond to the orders and ultimatums of the problem is of utmost importance. It's a time for saying, "NO WAY!!!" We are not cooperating! Heck no! This is where anger and stubbornness become our friends. Use them to fight back against the problem. Refuse to cooperate with depression's demands and requirements. Rebel angrily, do the opposite of what the problem wants us to do. Use our anger...use our stubbornness...now is the time and place for it. Best wishes as we rebel against the problems with properly channeled anger and oppositionality. Let's call it resiliency and empowerment. Stephen S. Elliott, Ph.D.
Change and the process of making a change has been the topic of hundreds of books and articles. My view of it has become simpler over time. Making the decision to change is the first and most important step. If we decide we are going to make the change we are 50% there. The next ingredient is the personal belief that we are in control of it, that we can make it happen through our own effort and hard work, better known as self-efficacy (from the work of Albert Bandura). Self-efficacy, the belief we can do it, is another 25% of the process. Coaching can greatly help strengthen our belief. As humans we find it easier to believe we can do it when we are surrounded by and bombarded with a lot of encouragement. Lastly, being a finisher is central to the last part of the process. This is the degree of determination we have to get across the finish line and it provides the last 25%. If we are full of determination and absolutely stubborn about finishing what we started, then the process will be complete. So there you have it! Decide, Believe, and Finish, the Big Three for producing wanted change!!! Let us know if you need a facilitator or coach to encourage the process. Stephen S. Elliott, Ph.D., NC Licensed Psychologist
Anxiety manifests in many different ways with children. Following are several areas to be on the lookout for when trying to determine if your child is struggling with excessive anxiety. The acronym, P.A.W.N., can help us remember the general categories of how anxiety manifests in children.
P: Pleasing - An anxious child may show extreme interest in pleasing others. This could be
above and beyond the regular degree of interest most children will show in pleasing
others. The child may be quick to be self-critical if they think for a second they may not
please the person they want to please. There is a rather intense desire for approval.
A: Avoiding - The child may want to avoid school, the school bus, or other social settings.
They may produce physical reasons for not going, stomachaches, headaches, tiredness,
or possibly shyness. They may beg and plead, or have tantrums to avoid participation.
W: Worrying - "What if'ing" is the key indicator of worrying. If the child is having trouble
sleeping, it may be due to worrying. Difficulties with transitions may also be an
indicator that worrying is occurring. The child will often not be able to tell us why they
are worrying. What if something bad happens? This becomes a preoccupation.
N: Negativity - Being negative can be the general manifestation of anxiety in a child. They
fear several things, but the way it presents is with being negative in general
about things, almost as if they are depressed. They don't want to go places or do
things other children would love to do.
If your child struggles with anxiety, we would love the opportunity to assist you. Best wishes, Stephen Elliott, Ph.D., Child and Adolescent Psychologist
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