How can a child be an excellent student or outstanding citizen in one setting (like school) and a holy terror in another (like in the home)? The answer lies in our understanding of the self. The self is like a multi-faceted diamond. With many facets, a given social context will elicit just a certain number of these facets while another social context will call forth completely different aspects of the self, other facets of the person. The self can be thought of as a 1000 card deck of playing cards. A given relationship will tend to draw out 50 of these cards and put them into play over and over again. In school one set of 50 cards may be called out and become a pattern there. At home 30 of these fifty are put back in the deck and a different 30 are drawn out. Each setting has the potential to call forth different aspects of the self. Yet, each setting tends to limit the self to the usual facets shown in that setting. The patterns can become overly predictable and the patterns can become rigid and stuck.
When a child misbehaves in one setting, but not in another, no diagnosis should be made other than an adjustment issue in the setting where misbehavior is repeatedly occurring. If there was a condition or mental disorder it would prevail across all settings. If the child is well behaved in at least one setting, the parts of the self being shown there are accessible and can be shared in other settings. The right set of motivators and interactions can be discovered and put into play. One can learn a lot by studying the setting where good things are happening. The adults in the two settings may need to communicate with each other. They can put their heads together and figure out a winning strategy to break up the 'stuckness' of the discrepancies. Calling forth a child's competencies can occur in more than one setting if it's occurring in at least one setting already. For help with child or adolescent misbehavior or parenting issues, call one of our child psychologists or family therapists for a consultation. Best wishes, Stephen Elliott, Ph.D., Family Therapist, Child and Family Development, Charlotte, NC
When a child misbehaves in one setting, but not in another, no diagnosis should be made other than an adjustment issue in the setting where misbehavior is repeatedly occurring. If there was a condition or mental disorder it would prevail across all settings. If the child is well behaved in at least one setting, the parts of the self being shown there are accessible and can be shared in other settings. The right set of motivators and interactions can be discovered and put into play. One can learn a lot by studying the setting where good things are happening. The adults in the two settings may need to communicate with each other. They can put their heads together and figure out a winning strategy to break up the 'stuckness' of the discrepancies. Calling forth a child's competencies can occur in more than one setting if it's occurring in at least one setting already. For help with child or adolescent misbehavior or parenting issues, call one of our child psychologists or family therapists for a consultation. Best wishes, Stephen Elliott, Ph.D., Family Therapist, Child and Family Development, Charlotte, NC
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