When an adolescent has an ongoing chronic conflict with their parents, it's usually a two-way street. The parents are usually annoying the young person as well as the other way around. The parents usually have a good reason for doing what they are doing. For example, they may not trust their teen because the teen has done something to break the trust. Most of us have experienced similar vicious cycles in our own lives. The more we do x, the more the parents do y. The more the parents do y, the more we do x, etc. It's a game without end until it ends with an even bigger and painful blow-up. The parents want the teen to stop doing x and the teen wants the parents to stop doing y. The teen wants the parents to trust them again while the parents remain skeptical about the teen's trustworthiness given the actual history. Each party feels angry, irritated, and annoyed at the other. The dog is chasing his tail, but worse than that, the dog is eating his own tail.
How do we get out of this downward spiral? My suggestion is for each person to give the other party in the problem a gift that would make the other party feel that the pattern or cycle is broken. Do it as an act of kindness to yourself. The conflict that's going on now is bad for your health. Secondarily but very importantly, the adolescent can do it as an act of love for the parents. Remember they are motivated by their love for you. While they may be overly controlling, they are in all likelihood motivated by their caring for you. Give them what they want as a gift, free of charge. Forget about getting what you want in return as if you are bargaining at the flea market. Hopefully, you will come out all right in the end. Maybe they will give it to you as a gift when they are ready. But give your gift unconditionally. It will come back to you some day, you can rest assured, as long as you don't give your gift with the idea of getting one in return as your motive. Operate from the pure heart of giving a gift, the gift of love. Best wishes, Stephen Elliott, Ph.D., NC Licensed Psychologist
How do we get out of this downward spiral? My suggestion is for each person to give the other party in the problem a gift that would make the other party feel that the pattern or cycle is broken. Do it as an act of kindness to yourself. The conflict that's going on now is bad for your health. Secondarily but very importantly, the adolescent can do it as an act of love for the parents. Remember they are motivated by their love for you. While they may be overly controlling, they are in all likelihood motivated by their caring for you. Give them what they want as a gift, free of charge. Forget about getting what you want in return as if you are bargaining at the flea market. Hopefully, you will come out all right in the end. Maybe they will give it to you as a gift when they are ready. But give your gift unconditionally. It will come back to you some day, you can rest assured, as long as you don't give your gift with the idea of getting one in return as your motive. Operate from the pure heart of giving a gift, the gift of love. Best wishes, Stephen Elliott, Ph.D., NC Licensed Psychologist
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