CFD Psych

I am  the oldest of three brothers. My middle brother is a nice, smart, caring person. He is a successful businessman as well. I respect him very much. He knows the game of making money, and he does it quite well. My brother seems to genuinely enjoy playing the money-making game. He enjoys playing golf as well, and he can afford to play it often. Both games appear to give him great satisfaction.

My brother and I are different at the level of our personalities. He once chastised me for not "being more money-motivated" during an earlier time in my life when financial pressures were coming down on me very hard. I was determined to engage in my own profession. When he said those words, it felt as if my destiny and purpose in life were being challenged. My career as a psychologist definitely provides me with a sense of meaning and purpose in life. It's hard to explain. I feel like I am "being me" when I engage in my profession of solving problems and helping. I would have to say I am "people-and-service-motivated".

Another cluster of talented individuals I have met over the years are the artists.  Artists seem genuinely motivated to develop their individual talents to the fullest degree possible, and to share the outcomes of their efforts with others. As talents are shared, the process grows and expands. Eventually the artist reaches maturity when others are identified who passionately appreciate the artist's gifts. The "fans" are evidence to the artist that they are indeed appreciated. Having fans certainly feels good to the artist. 

There are other motivations that are tied to the various personalities. Growing and building, fixing machines and selling are areas that come to mind. Being money-motivated,  people/service-motivated, or art-motivated are three of the categories for making choices. They do not cover all the motivating themes, but they serve to illustrate the point.  For parents, it is a parenting mistake to try to force a child who naturally belongs to one category into a different category. As you parent, you will want to encourage each of your children. Each has their own unique personality and preferred type of motivation. If you need help with the process, please feel free to call me or any of our psychologists. Stephen S. Elliott, Ph.D., Child and Adolescent Psychologist
 

Sibling rivalry is a common presenting problem in the counselor's office. An older sibling may  react to the younger sibling with an attitude that is the opposite of what the parents want to see. It may be a younger child becoming angry that the older sibling is so good at everything and never gets in trouble. The suffering child feels like they are being shorted or treated unfairly compared to their sibling, or they seem angry to have lost the "special child" status they enjoyed with more intensity earlier in life prior to the newer sibling's arrival. The parents are usually stressed that the tension is occurring because they want their children to love each other and get along. Rivalry instead of cooperation seems like a good thing gone bad.

Earning one-on-one time with the various well-liked adults on weekends for cooperative sibling behavior and sibling-to-sibling kindness during the week is an approach to finding a solution that often works. If the child who sees themselves as the "victim" or "martyr" has to watch the other sibling earn one-on-one attention from a parent while they do not earn their own time with the parent, it will tear them up. They will work hard to avoid that scenario. Misbehavior toward a sibling can earn the other sibling more time with the parents. One child's misbehavior can result in another child doing more fun things. Both children can earn their fun if they will each behave reasonably well. Earning one-on-one time with the valued adults is a great way to set it up. Best wishes, Stephen S. Elliott, Ph.D., Psychologist, Child and Family Development

Human beings are story-telling creatures for sure. We tell stories about everything from what we did on our last vacation to what we are eating so we won't develop heart disease. We have Christmas and Birthday stories to share. We construct explanations to explain why certain things happen. The themes and narratives in vogue at a given time in history will be different if we just wait a few years.

We live in a time when it's popular to use the word "disorder" to explain, or tell the story of, why people do certain things. Smoking cigarettes is now being "storied" as a disorder. A school age child who is not paying attention in class is viewed by many as having manifestations of a disorder. The disorder story goes so far as to say to the young person actually "has it", like they have this thing inside them that makes them not pay attention in class. It's as if they have caught a contagious disease like the measles or chicken pox. They can't help it. And it makes them do bad things. While it's the popular or dominant discourse in our time to story the situation this way, I'm not sure it's the most helpful framing for the young person. Let me explain the point with an alternate story.

Behavioral and emotional problems in children can be viewed as manifestations of self-defeating sets of beliefs and thoughts that originated outside of the person much like a dictionary is outside the person. The way of the problem can be tried on much like trying on a pair of shoes. Being a problem can feel like power to the child until the consequences begin to add up. The problems way of viewing becomes like a bad habit that is eventually adopted and consistently utilized in relationships. Again, the clothes and shoes being worn are not the person. The problem is outside the person in that the person does not have the problem, but rather the problem wants to control them and have it's way with them. The problem can be viewed as actually wanting to dominate the person much like in an athletic competition the opposing team wants to win. Similarly, the person usually wants to fight back and win against the problem. In therapy, we want to encourage the young person to mount a powerful attack to beat down the problem that wants to control and dominate them. The young person can, if they chose to, win against the problem.They can try to win daily victories.  The win narrative is listened to and explored for the details of the victory. The problem loses power in defeat, and the family doesn't need to come back week after week once the problem has been dis-empowered. The "you have power to win against the problem" narrative usually works better than the "you have a disorder" story. It has more hope for prompting change. It has more hope for empowering the young person to fight back against the problem. With the competitive "you can win" story, it's just a matter of time before the symptoms go away. Let us help you win. Best wishes, Stephen Elliott, Ph.D., Child and Adolescent Psychologist, Child and Family Development
 

Self-esteem and self-love are one in the same. If one is in place, then so is the other. If either are present, both are present. They occur at the level of the internal silent conversations we have on an ongoing basis with our own selves.We talk to ourselves without moving our lips. Another term for it is "thinking" or "engaging in self-talk" or "self-instructional" behavior. We give ourselves instructions to get through the day and get things done. It's true that some people think other types of thoughts such as exploring other galaxies or discovering the cure for cancer. But, in general a large amount of our thinking is self-instructional in nature. When accompanied by a positive tone of voice, our encouraging inner conversation works pretty well. Self-instruction can be encouraging, inspiring, or loving in tone and content, or alternatively it could be demoralizing or destructive. Talking to ourselves in encouraging ways works best.  If we talk to our self silently and give our self the same advice, instruction and encouragement that a loving parent would give us, then we are probably fairly high in self-esteem and self-love. If we give our self advice we would not give our own son, daughter, brother or sister, then we are probably weak in the area of self-esteem or self-love. Would we ever tell our own son or daughter to take illegal drugs, smoke cigarettes, lie, steal, or to go around yelling at people? Of course not, because we love them. For help with child or adolescent self-esteem or parenting issues, call one of our child psychologists or family therapists for a consultation. Best wishes, Stephen Elliott, Ph.D., Family Therapist, Child and Family Development, Charlotte, NC
 

Many questions arise about the potential for psychological benefits to the child, adolescent, or young adults from training in the martial arts. Assuming the instructor is an encouraging person and that the coach models good behavior, healthy positive values, self-discipline and consistency, then the answer would be "yes". 
In fact, anyone who works hard to develop a talent, art or sport will be psychologically enriched by the process so long as they do so in good company with encouraging people. Competency development feeds self-esteem. Improving self-esteem improves relationship quality. Positive relationships enhance overall emotional well-being.
In specific terms, martial arts will increase a person's confidence in their ability to defend themselves if ever attacked. This will enhance the person's general self-confidence. Practicing martial arts requires focus, another beneficial by-product of the effort. 
Your counselor may recommend martial arts or other activities as part of an overall plan for success for a child.

When text messaging each other, messages and content are quickly sent to one another, but the sender's tone-of-voice is hard to decipher by the receiver. Tone-of-voice may be assumed to be negative by the receiver based on his or her own experience. The meaning of the message may well become twisted or lost. The following are some tips to assume about texting communications:

• Assume the tone-of-voice is friendly, not hostile.
• Assume the tone-of-voice is supportive and not judging.
• Assume the sender intends well.

If we do this for texting communications we will be giving the sender every benefit of doubt. If parents will give their children and their spouse or co-parent the benfit of the doubt to reduce criticism and other negative connotations of meaning, parenting will go so much better. The self-esteems of the children and the adults will be less inadvertently damaged.

For help with child or adolescent misbehavior or parenting issues, call one of our child psychologists or family therapists for a consultation. Best wishes, Stephen Elliott, Ph.D., Family Therapist, Child and Family Development, Charlotte, NC

Some of the ideas we talk about in the "Managing Bullies" Class I teach at Child & Family Development in Charlotte, NC, are below.

1)    Be clear about who owns (has) the problem. If it’s the bully, then make sure you don’t steal the problem from him or her.

2)    If the bully verbally attacks you with name-calling, then help them feel better about themselves by encouraging them to “get it out”. Ask them “Anything else?” When they are finished, ask them, “Do you feel better now?”

3)    Develop your own talents and abilities. Pursue your interests. Expand your horizons. The focus does not need to be on making friends, but on pursuing your interests and passions.

4)    Remember, you don’t need friends (in some desperate and needy way). You are more likely to end up with friends if you are into self-improvement, talent development, cultivating your abilities, and expanding your horizons. Undoubtedly, you will not place any obvious barriers in the way of people who might want to approach you.

5)    If physically attacked, block, yell for help, wrestle, or become dead weight as the need arises. Your goal is to survive. Do not use harmful force that could injure the attacker if at all possible. Seek immediate and effective assistance. Use verbal threats, if appropriate, to counter the attacker. Attempt to put the attacker in a potentially embarrassing spot that makes them think twice before proceeding.

 I hope this helps you get an idea or two about some of the basic concepts we discuss and role-play in the managing bullies course. There are others. Practice is central for helping group members make the techniques a natural part of their skill set.  Stephen Elliott, Ph.D., Licensed Psychologist

Social groups are normal, and they are usually healthy and positive when individuals are gathering to focus on talent development, a common interest, to achieve a reasonable goal or to help a worthy cause.

However, social groups can become a problem when the emphasis within the group, or how they present themselves to others, becomes more about “superiority” or “specialness” than it is hard work, talent development, or a worthy cause to benefit others. These groups are sometimes referred to as "cliques". In cliques,  group members are encouraged to feel or think of themselves as “special” just because they are a “member” of that group, while those who are not in the group are viewed as not special, or less special, simply because they are not members of the group.  Bullies are often spawned out of such cliques. It is noteworthy to understand that social cliques and individual bullies are similar in that they are after the same goal, the goal of subjectively experiencing a feeling of superiority over others. They don’t seem aware that they are overcompensating for feelings of inferiority by swinging past the balance towards the other extreme in their pursuit of the superiority feelings they think they need. They completely miss the insight (first attributed to Alfred Adler in the early 1900's) that inferiority and superiority are heads and tails of the same coin. Adler was the first to speak of the inferiority complex and the superiority complex.

It's a great idea to join one or more healthy social groups. Join a common interest group or a talent development group for the right reasons – because of genuine interest in the topic or activity. Work as a team to develop your individual or group talents or achieve an altruistic goal as a group.

Let’s realize that superiority groups, composed of people who think in terms of inferiority for non-members and superiority for members, are best avoided.

Specifically, what can we do if exposed to so many choices (both groups and cliques) as in a school setting?

1. Realize we don’t need a clique.  We do need positive social groups. With a decent self-esteem, we don’t need what cliques as groups are trying to offer. Equality as a person is fine with us.
2. Don’t pay cliques, clique members, or bullies much attention. Attention is what they crave. It feeds their inflated need for superiority over others.
3. Get a life! Join a common interest, talent development, altruistic goal-achieving, or worthy cause group. Enjoy being an equal! Enjoy it fully! For help with child or adolescent adjustment issues or parenting issues, call on a child psychologist or family therapist for a consultation. Best wishes, Stephen Elliott, Ph.D., Family Therapist, Child and Family Development, Charlotte, NC