The late Albert Ellis made a very strong case for the cognitive regulation of emotional arousal and upset. A prolific writer and speaker, Ellis supported the idea that our thinking was directly tied to our feelings. Thinking has been described as "talking to ourselves without moving our lips". It's in the nature of these self-conversations that we will either regulate, soothe, and calm our emotions or work them up into a dysregulated state and stir them up through exaggeration and other meltdown enabling cognitive methods.
One rainy day I was on the elevator going to the 11th floor of a hospital. Someone behind me in the elevator jabbed me very hard in the back with the tip of their umbrella. I felt instantly angry, annoyed, and irritated. Immediately, I turned around to glare at or possibly say something short to the offender. As soon as I had spun around I could see that the person who had poked me in the back was blind. My emotions suddenly changed from anger to patience, empathy and concern for this man. My thinking process went from an emphasis on the person's inconsiderateness and rudeness to how he didn't mean to do it. My thinking began to shift to how unintentional the jab was. I began to think that surely this man doesn't deserve to be blamed or attacked by me in any sort of way. After all, I thought, he has enough of a challenge navigating his everyday life as it is. My anger was nowhere to be found. It had instantly disappeared as quickly as it had arrived a few minutes earlier.
The point of the illustration is that our emotional outbursts and tantrums are usually managed well by talking differently to ourselves, by simply thinking ourselves into a better perspective. We should not assume anything. We should try to normalize and not exaggerate the negative interpersonal processes whenever possible. That is definitely a good idea if we want to be happy (and I think most of us do)! For help with child or adolescent misbehavior or parenting issues, call one of our child psychologists or family therapists for a consultation. Best wishes, Stephen Elliott, Ph.D., Family Therapist, Child and Family Development, Charlotte, NC
One rainy day I was on the elevator going to the 11th floor of a hospital. Someone behind me in the elevator jabbed me very hard in the back with the tip of their umbrella. I felt instantly angry, annoyed, and irritated. Immediately, I turned around to glare at or possibly say something short to the offender. As soon as I had spun around I could see that the person who had poked me in the back was blind. My emotions suddenly changed from anger to patience, empathy and concern for this man. My thinking process went from an emphasis on the person's inconsiderateness and rudeness to how he didn't mean to do it. My thinking began to shift to how unintentional the jab was. I began to think that surely this man doesn't deserve to be blamed or attacked by me in any sort of way. After all, I thought, he has enough of a challenge navigating his everyday life as it is. My anger was nowhere to be found. It had instantly disappeared as quickly as it had arrived a few minutes earlier.
The point of the illustration is that our emotional outbursts and tantrums are usually managed well by talking differently to ourselves, by simply thinking ourselves into a better perspective. We should not assume anything. We should try to normalize and not exaggerate the negative interpersonal processes whenever possible. That is definitely a good idea if we want to be happy (and I think most of us do)! For help with child or adolescent misbehavior or parenting issues, call one of our child psychologists or family therapists for a consultation. Best wishes, Stephen Elliott, Ph.D., Family Therapist, Child and Family Development, Charlotte, NC
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