CFD Psych

Are you a pursuer or a distancer? Consider your various meaningful relationships. Do you find yourself wanting more closeness and more sharing than the other party in the relationship? With certain people you may be the pursuer. With others you may be the distancer, the person wanting less closeness, less sharing, more autonomy, and more personal space. If you look at all your key relationships including (if applicable) your siblings, your significant other, and your closest friendships, you can fairly easily calculate where you fall on the spectrum from pursuer of emotional closeness to distancer and protector of individuality. Pursuers usually have fewer friends in terms of numbers, but the few they have may be quite deeply attached and possibly loyal. Pursuers don't usually like it when a distancer tells them they want more space. Pursuers are usually very affectionate in general. Distancers are more likely to have a larger number of friends, but they hardly want to be excessively or suffocatingly close to any one of them. Distancers, while sensitive to interpersonal boundary issues, may want affection from others, but only on their own terms. They do not want a relationship that is consistently about hugs and physical touch.

In their close relationships, pursuers wish the distancers would pursue them in a manner similar to how they have pursued the distancer. The distancers want to be given more respect for their individuality. Here are a few "rules of thumb":  Distancers don't want anyone clinging to them or being dependent on them. After a conflict, pursuers need to never pursue a distancer. Rather, let them evolve and return to the relationship when ready. After a conflict, pursuers would love to feel that someone truly cared about their perspective. The pursuer would love to be reassured that everything is alright. Reassurance means a lot to them. Best wishes, Stephen S. Elliott, Ph.D., Psychologist