As a child and adolescent psychologist, I often speak with adolescents who tell me about their friendships as well as their relationship conflicts. Sometimes they report that relationships with girlfriends or boyfriends are not going so well. In some cases, they are actually fighting or insulting each other and it's causing a lot of pain for them. As we discuss these matters, I will sometimes ask them to tell me what qualities their ideal future spouse will possess. As we examine what they are looking for and then compare it to the qualities of their current girlfriend or boyfriend we find that there is a world of difference. The young person wants a person with characteristics A, B, and C, but in reality they go steady with a person who has the opposite of A, B, and C, and a lot of D, E, and F, qualities that are problematic for them. There is a huge disconnect between what they say they want in a partner and what they actually select.
Upon close examination of this divide or disconnect, the problem seems to be related to the early or premature onset of physical/emotional/sexual intimacy in these relationships. Once the young person becomes intimately involved with their new girlfriend or boyfriend, "attachment" seems to kick in and glue them together even though they are not really a good fit for each other in terms of the qualities each is looking for. Feelings rule the day rather than logic. The more rational factors of what they are looking for are put in the back seat. While the qualities they desire in a partner make good sense, they no longer are considered essential once intimacy kicks in. Feelings are allowed to dominate thinking. In my opinion, the physical intimacy should be delayed while the qualities desired are selected and are proven to be rock solid over the course of time. I would suggest that a rational stand be taken. The qualities desired are pretty wise ones so "stick to the story" of what you need. Let's not give emotions and hormones the final say. Let common sense and the test of time have the final word.
Best wishes. Stephen Elliott, Ph.D., N.C. Licensed Psychologist
Upon close examination of this divide or disconnect, the problem seems to be related to the early or premature onset of physical/emotional/sexual intimacy in these relationships. Once the young person becomes intimately involved with their new girlfriend or boyfriend, "attachment" seems to kick in and glue them together even though they are not really a good fit for each other in terms of the qualities each is looking for. Feelings rule the day rather than logic. The more rational factors of what they are looking for are put in the back seat. While the qualities they desire in a partner make good sense, they no longer are considered essential once intimacy kicks in. Feelings are allowed to dominate thinking. In my opinion, the physical intimacy should be delayed while the qualities desired are selected and are proven to be rock solid over the course of time. I would suggest that a rational stand be taken. The qualities desired are pretty wise ones so "stick to the story" of what you need. Let's not give emotions and hormones the final say. Let common sense and the test of time have the final word.
Best wishes. Stephen Elliott, Ph.D., N.C. Licensed Psychologist
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